Bullying

When I think about bullying it makes me angry.
Angry that it goes on and furious that people can be so cruel; I never understood it, even as a child.
Unfortunately for my mother, I was often the child in the middle of scenarios trying to protect the other children or "victim".
To this day I always rally for the underdog and take it personally; trying to protect those who cannot or will not protect themselves.
Bullying just doesn't make sense to me.
Recently in my line of work I came across a child who is bullied mercilessly. And I just could not fathom why. She is a sweet girl, plays in sports and does gymnastics. She is beautiful. Why would children in elementary school want to make her life a living hell? What is there to gain? And in Elementary School; Really??
This bothered me so much I wanted to look into why this happens, and what we as adults, professionals, friends or mentors can do about this.
In doing some research on bullying I found some really disturbing facts...
Firstly, bullying doesn't go away and with time it seems to get worse, for both the bully and the victim.
Yet we all at one point or another tell our children to ignore them and it will go away.
Bullying can cause physical harm, reduce our children's self-esteem and self worth and isolate them, making them feel alone.
Because of the Internet and cell phones our children can be bullied anywhere: school, home or in the community. Furthermore, bullying doesn't end in the situation. Our children carry the event and the effects of the event in their minds and hearts, everywhere they go. They get no break from the torment. This can cause depression,  anxiety, loss of self-esteem and sometimes, increased levels of aggressive behaviour. Additional effects of bullying on victimized children may include headaches, stomach aches, school absenteeism, and can lead to suicide.
Bullies: Bullying behaviour, as with other forms of violent behaviour, continues outside of the school environment and sometimes throughout their life unless something is done. Left unchecked, a five-year-old who displays bullying behaviours will likely exhibit similar behaviours later in life. Research shows that children who bully may turn into adolescents who sexually harass, become involved in delinquent behaviours, gang-related activities, or engage in dating violence. And if this isn't scary enough a U.S. study found that bullies are seven times more likely than other students to carry weapons to school and found that children who bullied in Grades 6-9 are six times more likely to have a criminal record by the age of 24. As adults, children who bully may display harassment in the workplace or may commit spousal, child, or senior abuse.
Children who continue to bully can later suffer psychological problems such as externalizing problems (conduct disorders), aggressive tendencies, and occasionally depressive symptoms.
Is this the type of life we want for our children? Is this what their future should hold?
Furthermore a recent Canadian survey of teachers and students, most teachers (75%) reported they usually tried to stop a bullying incident but only 25% of the students agreed.Students felt this was because teachers were either not around when the incident occurred, didn't feel the incident was bullying, or chose not to get involved for other reasons.
Our children are crying out for help.And only 25% of us do anything. Are you joking?
Bullying has to stop. And we all need to do something. Whether your child is the bully or the victim, as they grow they will encounter both in the future. And the outlook as a bully or a victim are both unhealthy.
Get up, and say no to bullying, speak up for your children, friends and family.

For more information about bulling visit: http://www.publicsafety.gc.ca/res/cp/res/bully-eng.aspx

Love Yourself First

When boarding a plane recently, I was listening to the flight attendant give instructions in case of an emergency:
"If the plane should encounter trouble, the air masks will drop down from above you. Do not panic, it is a precaution. However, before you put a mask on your child or anyone else, please put on your mask first."
While seemingly inconsequential at the time, thinking back now I realize how this little piece of wisdom can make a large impact on our daily lives.
Women most often give and give; often thinking of themselves last.
They are the first to get up, the last to go to bed, and the ones that often give their all.
Are women the only people who do this? Definitely not.
We know many people in our lives who seem like an endless source of giving. Who think little of themselves or what they need; always saying they like to help, or its no problem they can do it.
These givers give their all.
But unfortunately the most important person they should be giving to they give nothing. And that person is their self.
While giving can be it's own reward, we always need to remember to reward ourselves. We cannot continue to give and give if we don't give back to ourselves.
Imagine if we all carried around a bucket filled with our essence. If all we do is give, it will come to a point where our bucket will be empty and we will have nothing left to give. Including to ourselves.
Those who give selflessly can end up loosing themselves.
Parents and especially mother's often fall into this trap. And what happens?? They look like a shadow of who they used to be.
They give up spending time on themselves, their appearance, health and sleep.
They don't go out anymore, relationships often suffer, and they become an empty shell, simply pieces of who they used to be.
I'm not suggesting that we shut everyone out and become narcissistic and selfish.
However I am strongly suggesting that you love yourself first and foremost. Because if you don't, who will be there to do what you do when you've run yourself to the ground?
Like the flight attendant said, "put the mask on yourself first".
To love your child properly you need to be at your best, and the same goes for everything else. If you suffer so do those around you.
We teach those we love to eat healthy, exercise, take their medications, form healthy relationships, take time to rest and recover among so many other important lessons.
We need to teach ourselves these same lessons.
Make a pact with your self to minimum once a week to take at least two hours to do something entirely and purely for yourself. Do not let anyone guilt you into not getting it. It can be something as small as taking an UN-interrupted bath, going to the gym, treating yourself to a special indulgence or taking a nap. But take it, and take it every week. Make it part of your routine.
You will quickly come to see how everything else around you also seems to do better, the better you do.
You will be happier and so will those around you.
Then take a day for yourself once a month to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.
You deserve it; Love Yourself First.

Communication

Communication is often underrated.
It also happens to be one of the things that is generally lacking in most relationships.
A good relationship with our spouses, children, friends, family and ourselves involves open communication.
If we do not communicate our feelings, needs, desires, or goals how can we ever hope to achieve that which we want?
We need to advocate for ourselves as well as teach those around us how to advocate.
For many of you, advocate may be a new term.
Essentially what it means is speaking up for yourself.

If your not happy with yourself, acknowledge it. If someone made you mad, tell them. If you didn't understand something, speak up and ask questions. Your significant other or child crossed the line? Explain to them where it lays.
We need to communicate and advocate for ourselves and our children.
Why?
Because we and they deserve it. We do not deserve second best, or just okay. We deserve to be treated justly, and respectfully; all the time.

Have you ever caught yourself in that negative self-talk feedback loop?
"I'm so stupid, I should have figured that out. I'm ugly. I can't do anything right". All of us at one point in our life have said this to ourselves or something similar.
But this isn't communication. This is blame and we need to advocate for ourselves.
I'm not stupid, I am human and I can make mistakes. Next time I will pay more attention.
When learning to advocate, ask yourself: What would I tell my friend, child, significant other to do in that situation?

Part of advocating and communication is knowing the difference between listening and hearing.
We hear things all day long, and at some point its like it becomes background noise. Its there, but we don't really pay it any attention.
Listening on the other hand is where we actively pay attention, think about what it is we are listening to, form an understanding and respond to it.
Therefore if we are listening to ourselves we can communicate our thoughts and feelings.

When your significant other dismisses something you are proud of, listen to what your body tells you.Don't hear it and dismiss it actually listen.
Do you feel hurt? Why do you feel that way? Are you okay with feeling that way? Would you want someone else to feel this way because of something you did? No, then speak up so it doesn't happen again.
If you don't, than you are giving your permission for this event to happen again. In this situation you are giving your spouse the permission to dismiss you and your feelings; and the longer you wait to advocate for yourself the harder it becomes, and sometimes it turns to anger which can threaten to explode.

The difference between listening and hearing in this situation is tell your significant other it really bothered you that he/she didn't show interest in something you were proud of, it made you feel like they didn't care. versus He/She was probably busy and didn't mean it or maybe they were in a bad mood. Hearing invites this behaviour to repeat itself.

Its the same thing with our children, we need to listen to them and communicate. We also need to teach our children to listen to themselves and communicate, to advocate on their own behalf.
And the best way to teach them this is to model this behaviour ourselves and praise them when they advocate for themselves.
Teach your children and yourself to be strong, and to acknowledge that they and you deserve the best.