Communication

Communication is often underrated.
It also happens to be one of the things that is generally lacking in most relationships.
A good relationship with our spouses, children, friends, family and ourselves involves open communication.
If we do not communicate our feelings, needs, desires, or goals how can we ever hope to achieve that which we want?
We need to advocate for ourselves as well as teach those around us how to advocate.
For many of you, advocate may be a new term.
Essentially what it means is speaking up for yourself.

If your not happy with yourself, acknowledge it. If someone made you mad, tell them. If you didn't understand something, speak up and ask questions. Your significant other or child crossed the line? Explain to them where it lays.
We need to communicate and advocate for ourselves and our children.
Why?
Because we and they deserve it. We do not deserve second best, or just okay. We deserve to be treated justly, and respectfully; all the time.

Have you ever caught yourself in that negative self-talk feedback loop?
"I'm so stupid, I should have figured that out. I'm ugly. I can't do anything right". All of us at one point in our life have said this to ourselves or something similar.
But this isn't communication. This is blame and we need to advocate for ourselves.
I'm not stupid, I am human and I can make mistakes. Next time I will pay more attention.
When learning to advocate, ask yourself: What would I tell my friend, child, significant other to do in that situation?

Part of advocating and communication is knowing the difference between listening and hearing.
We hear things all day long, and at some point its like it becomes background noise. Its there, but we don't really pay it any attention.
Listening on the other hand is where we actively pay attention, think about what it is we are listening to, form an understanding and respond to it.
Therefore if we are listening to ourselves we can communicate our thoughts and feelings.

When your significant other dismisses something you are proud of, listen to what your body tells you.Don't hear it and dismiss it actually listen.
Do you feel hurt? Why do you feel that way? Are you okay with feeling that way? Would you want someone else to feel this way because of something you did? No, then speak up so it doesn't happen again.
If you don't, than you are giving your permission for this event to happen again. In this situation you are giving your spouse the permission to dismiss you and your feelings; and the longer you wait to advocate for yourself the harder it becomes, and sometimes it turns to anger which can threaten to explode.

The difference between listening and hearing in this situation is tell your significant other it really bothered you that he/she didn't show interest in something you were proud of, it made you feel like they didn't care. versus He/She was probably busy and didn't mean it or maybe they were in a bad mood. Hearing invites this behaviour to repeat itself.

Its the same thing with our children, we need to listen to them and communicate. We also need to teach our children to listen to themselves and communicate, to advocate on their own behalf.
And the best way to teach them this is to model this behaviour ourselves and praise them when they advocate for themselves.
Teach your children and yourself to be strong, and to acknowledge that they and you deserve the best.